Diabolik Lovers Episode 03 – Don’t Poke The Sleeping Vampire

Don’t Poke The Sleeping Vampire

But please feel free to stake him

Overview:

I’m all kinds of done already and we aren’t even halfway through the first season. This episode at first seems to be better than the last but worry not, they make up for it towards the end.

We open with the most awkward dinner party in history where the participants all ignore each other or maniacally murder their food – no, not Yui, the non-human food. Yui isn’t exempt from torment of course. The Absolute Bastrad takes his sweet time harassing her and we have this gem from Glasses: “One of these days, I’ll take you aside and discipline you thoroughly.” Again, I don’t care what these fuckers get off on but they all need to be chained down and made to a listen a long, thorough class about both basic decency and the importance of consent.

Moving on…

While the last episode focused on Ayato, this time we have Shu, the lazy bastard who was tolerable up until this point if only because he had the good grace not to open his trap all that much. Alas, that doesn’t last and the show is all the worse for it.

After being ambushed in her own bedroom by Ayato – who leaves hickeys on her because he is a juvenile moron who needs a good whipping – Yui goes to take a bath, only to find Lazy reclining in the bathtub, fully clothed. Her inquiry about that is answered with an offer to let her undress him, followed by the accusation that she came in there to catch up naked.

That escalated quickly. Lazy, no offense to your body, but I don’t think that girl’s in any state for naked men at the moment.

Yui asks why all the brothers are different and finds out that they’re all from different mothers. Lazy starts to slip in the tub and she catches him, triggering a flashback featuring a young Shu watching a house burn. I’m seeing a pattern here.

All pretense of civility ends here and what follows is the typical rapey shit this show has.

He asks if he can drink her blood and then promptly forgets what the point of asking is and bites her despite her protests. This is where any tolerability Lazy had as a character jumps out the fucking window. Not only does he force a bite on her, he then proceeds to call her a ‘dirty girl’ for enjoying it. His proof for that is her body temperature rising. Just – how did he connect those dots? Temperature can rise for a number of reasons beyond arousal. She could be angry or embarrassed. And hell, even if she was turned on from getting her blood sucked, it doesn’t make her ‘dirty’ nor does it make what Lazy did or said any less unacceptable.

After, he talks like the reason he attacked her was because she reached out to him. Yeah, we get it, they all have a shitton of issues. Guess how many fucks I give?

This ain’t the worst of it. Back in Yui’s room, Oresama Bastard is waiting and is angry to see that she’s been bitten by another. He also somehow manages to identify who it is from the fang marks. What even. Its two tiny incisions – how can anyone tell them apart? Has Ayato memorized the dental patterns of every one of his brothers? Because that’s a level of creepiness that leaves me stunned.

Naturally, Ayato confronts Shu who’s as unconcerned as ever, even when he’s challenged to a dart-throwing competition.

What does darts have to do with anything, you ask? I have no damn clue.

Maybe they just needed an excuse to set Yui up as the Prize.

Yes, they went there. They just took a person and made her a prize for a pointless competition between two utter dickwads. Just when I think this can’t get any worse, Diabolik Assholes (what do you mean that’s not the show’s name?) proves me wrong.

Lazy is goaded into the competition by Glasses and wins. The episode ends after he tells Yui some bullshit about vampire superiority.

 

Thoughts:

My apologies but I forgot to mention something last time. The journal that Yui finds that has entries from her adoptive father is now blank. Why? Who knows. Is it important? Probably. Does that show care about it at least half as much as they do about erotic bloodsucking? Hell no.

Speaking of which, I’d like to make it clear that I have nothing whatsoever against blood-drinking being portrayed in a sexual manner. That’s been a staple of vampire genre for a long time now and honestly, I understand the appeal. It’s basically hickeys with some actual blood involved, what’s the big deal?

But what rubs me wrong is that blatant objectification here. The men are all stars of a masochistic fantasy and Yui can barely be called a person. She speaks just enough for us to remember that she’s there but aside from whimpering when they bite her and making distressed faces every five seconds, she doesn’t really do anything. Like I’ve said before, this whole thing would have been better off as a hentai. It would fit right in – all they need to do is lose some more clothes.

For some reason, I’m not as angry as I was last episode. It’s probably because I had a better idea what to expect this time around.

I’m assuming that from now on, it will feature one guy per episode. So two down, four to go.

Oh joy.