Diabolik Lovers Episode 03 – Don’t Poke The Sleeping Vampire

Don’t Poke The Sleeping Vampire

But please feel free to stake him



I’m all kinds of done already and we aren’t even halfway through the first season. This episode at first seems to be better than the last but worry not, they make up for it towards the end.

We open with the most awkward dinner party in history where the participants all ignore each other or maniacally murder their food – no, not Yui, the non-human food. Yui isn’t exempt from torment of course. The Absolute Bastrad takes his sweet time harassing her and we have this gem from Glasses: “One of these days, I’ll take you aside and discipline you thoroughly.” Again, I don’t care what these fuckers get off on but they all need to be chained down and made to a listen a long, thorough class about both basic decency and the importance of consent.

Moving on…

While the last episode focused on Ayato, this time we have Shu, the lazy bastard who was tolerable up until this point if only because he had the good grace not to open his trap all that much. Alas, that doesn’t last and the show is all the worse for it.

After being ambushed in her own bedroom by Ayato – who leaves hickeys on her because he is a juvenile moron who needs a good whipping – Yui goes to take a bath, only to find Lazy reclining in the bathtub, fully clothed. Her inquiry about that is answered with an offer to let her undress him, followed by the accusation that she came in there to catch up naked.


That escalated quickly. Lazy, no offense to your body, but I don’t think that girl’s in any state for naked men at the moment.

Yui asks why all the brothers are different and finds out that they’re all from different mothers. Lazy starts to slip in the tub and she catches him, triggering a flashback featuring a young Shu watching a house burn. I’m seeing a pattern here.

All pretense of civility ends here and what follows is the typical rapey shit this show has.

He asks if he can drink her blood and then promptly forgets what the point of asking is and bites her despite her protests. This is where any tolerability Lazy had as a character jumps out the fucking window. Not only does he force a bite on her, he then proceeds to call her a ‘dirty girl’ for enjoying it. His proof for that is her body temperature rising. Just – how did he connect those dots? Temperature can rise for a number of reasons beyond arousal. She could be angry or embarrassed. And hell, even if she was turned on from getting her blood sucked, it doesn’t make her ‘dirty’ nor does it make what Lazy did or said any less unacceptable.

After, he talks like the reason he attacked her was because she reached out to him. Yeah, we get it, they all have a shitton of issues. Guess how many fucks I give?


This ain’t the worst of it. Back in Yui’s room, Oresama Bastard is waiting and is angry to see that she’s been bitten by another. He also somehow manages to identify who it is from the fang marks. What even. Its two tiny incisions – how can anyone tell them apart? Has Ayato memorized the dental patterns of every one of his brothers? Because that’s a level of creepiness that leaves me stunned.

Naturally, Ayato confronts Shu who’s as unconcerned as ever, even when he’s challenged to a dart-throwing competition.

What does darts have to do with anything, you ask? I have no damn clue.

Maybe they just needed an excuse to set Yui up as the Prize.


Yes, they went there. They just took a person and made her a prize for a pointless competition between two utter dickwads. Just when I think this can’t get any worse, Diabolik Assholes (what do you mean that’s not the show’s name?) proves me wrong.

Lazy is goaded into the competition by Glasses and wins. The episode ends after he tells Yui some bullshit about vampire superiority.



My apologies but I forgot to mention something last time. The journal that Yui finds that has entries from her adoptive father is now blank. Why? Who knows. Is it important? Probably. Does that show care about it at least half as much as they do about erotic bloodsucking? Hell no.

Speaking of which, I’d like to make it clear that I have nothing whatsoever against blood-drinking being portrayed in a sexual manner. That’s been a staple of vampire genre for a long time now and honestly, I understand the appeal. It’s basically hickeys with some actual blood involved, what’s the big deal?

But what rubs me wrong is that blatant objectification here. The men are all stars of a masochistic fantasy and Yui can barely be called a person. She speaks just enough for us to remember that she’s there but aside from whimpering when they bite her and making distressed faces every five seconds, she doesn’t really do anything. Like I’ve said before, this whole thing would have been better off as a hentai. It would fit right in – all they need to do is lose some more clothes.

For some reason, I’m not as angry as I was last episode. It’s probably because I had a better idea what to expect this time around.

I’m assuming that from now on, it will feature one guy per episode. So two down, four to go.

Oh joy.


About D

Just another avid anime fan.
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20 Responses to Diabolik Lovers Episode 03 – Don’t Poke The Sleeping Vampire

  1. Keiko says:

    This was a pleasure to read as always. 😂😂 I’m really enjoying your reviews of this show. It really deserves all the sarcastic hate it gets! 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You watch, the vamps will all jsut be misunderstood and in the end, they’ll repent their nonsense and becmes fine, upstanding citizens. Or not.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Karandi says:

    These reviews are far more interesting than attempting to watch this show was. Maybe Yui should learn from the flashback and set the mansion on fire? That would be something at least.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Akaluv says:

    I usually like otome animes, but this one was horrible! Your reviews are more fun to read than watching the show.

    Liked by 1 person

    • D says:

      This is my first otome adaptation and let’s just say that it makes a terrible first impression. But I won’t judge them based on this. And thank you! I’m happy to hear that.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This series sounds messed up…..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. katrinasade says:

    This anime will forever hold as my guilty (more like ashamed of) pleasure. I cannot explain to you whyyyyy I not only watched the entire show but the next season because everything you have written is a 100% true. And let me tell you there is no lesson to be learned. Like yeah you learn some back story but it is def not enough to make up for their super jerk ways and in the end they stay super jerks. At least in my opinion lol I’m sure some fans would say that they changed… I don’t think they did though! You are in for a ride let me tell you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • D says:

      I can’t judge seeing that I’m firmly buckled in for both seasons. I don’t enjoy watching it because every single character makes me want to spectacularly flip my shit but I won’t deny that writing these reviews is extremely fun. Plus it’s entertaining in the way trainwrecks are.

      I think that’s actually better than tragic backstory being used to wave off abusive behavior. So I guess this show did something right? 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • katrinasade says:

        Hahaha I think that was it for me. Like with each episode I had to know how could they top it and make it even more crazy? And sure enough with episode they did! It helps that they’re not very long as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. raistlin0903 says:

    I am trying to find out if you are being sarcastic in these reviews…..hmmmmm, difficult to tell lol 😂😂 Another very funny review, even though this show seems to be something that should belong in a garbage bin or something like that. Well at least it gives you the opportunity to write great reviews such as these. Maybe you should write your own Animeseries? I think it would be quite and really funny! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • D says:

      The sarcasm is real subtle, ain’t it? Garbage bins might be too good for this. How about trash heaps? It’s good that you like the reviews since they’re the only good thing coming out of me watching this.

      And fun fact, anything I write usually ends up being angst or heavy drama. I can’t nail humor except by accident. Trust me, I’ve tried.


  8. Remy Fool says:

    So I tried taking a swig each time I got offended by something that happened this episode.
    I finished my bottle of beer a bit early….

    1. Bitch-chan
    2. Bitch-chan
    3. “Deplorable table manners”
    4. “I go wherever I want”
    5. Grabbing by wrist
    6. Smells her without asking
    7. I received better hickies than that
    8. Clothes in bath? TRIGGERED
    9. “You’re all brothers, but why so different?” ARE YOU SERIOUS YUI
    10. Tragic flashback, boo-hoo!
    11. Anatomy – her hand is way too small.
    12. Forcibly dragging her into the tub; clothes in bathtub
    13. SO NAIVE: “Shu-san I thought you were diffent!”
    14. How dare he say the phrase, “whole new world.” Robin Williams is rolling in his grave.
    15. “Your blood is hot. I could get burnt” REALLY IS THIS THE BEST YOU CAN DO
    17. “Think twice before you reach out to me again” OKAY FUCK YOU SHE WAS BEING NICE
    18. CALLING HER PANCAKE (I ran out of booze at this point)
    19. Refusal to hear her out about how she’s not feeling well
    20. Betting her on a game of darts
    21. BITCH-CHAN

    I have one more bottle of Black Beer Stout. Will watch episode 4 and be disappointed.

    Liked by 1 person

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