Diabolik Lovers Episode 05 – Mommy Issues, Voyeuristic Teddy Bears and Much More

Mommy Issues, Voyeuristic Teddy Bears and Much More

Yeah you read that right



This episode features not one but two of the pettiest assholes to ever have assholed. No, that’s not a typo. I don’t care how good the art is, they’re petty rather than pretty.

We don’t get to see how the church thing with Raito ended but I assume he drank from Yui and then both returned to the mansion. Instead we get none other than Kanato the Teddy Bear Asshole whom we got a very charming glimpse of last episode. He’s as impulsive and immature as ever as he, for some goddamned reason, asks Yui to pick some roses and accompany him.

And Yui obeys because she’s the poster girl for doormat heroines. He leads her to a graveyard. Because he loves graves. Because they’re nice and dark and cold and okay, we get it, each of these sick shits is extremely fucked in the head. You can stop bludgeoning us in the face with that now, Diabolik Assholes.

Once there, he revels that the grave is his mother’s. He killed her of course. That seems to be a recurring theme this episode. Yui is rightly freaked out and tries to leave after paying her respects but you know what that makes her? Self-serving. Teddy Bear Boy’s words, not mine. So naturally, she needs to pay for that and just like that, we’re back to the usual cat and mouse routine. She trips and falls down, he says he’ll forgive her if she crawls around but then changes his mind like the fickle fuck he is and jumps her.


There’s also this gem of a line before he bites her – “If mortal women aren’t given a kiss before being pleasured, do they become angry?”

Where do I even start? One, that statement makes no bloody sense. Two, biting someone against their will is not pleasuring, it’s sexual harassment. Learn the difference, dipshit.

Afterwards we’re treated to the lovely sight of a girl being molested in a graveyard by an insane vampire that looks like a pubescent boy while a teddy bear watches from atop a grave.

Even writing that sentence makes me want to scrub my brain with bleach.

But it’s not over yet. Yui zombiewalks into her room but stops when she hears sounds from the adjacent room. Since she has all the good sense and self-preservation instincts of a rock, she walks right in. There she finds the Asshole in Glasses, a.k.a Reiji, moaning in his sleep and wakes him up.


Why, Yui, why. What could possibly make you think that that’s a good idea?

Glasses wakes up, insults her but then says it’s better to wake to the scent of her blood than stay stuck in the nightmare he was having.

He says ‘nightmare’ but the sounds we hear made it seem like he was having the best wet dream of his life.

Glasses goes to make tea and for a second, we’re fooled into thinking that he has some grasp on basic courtesy but nope, he considers Yui’s place as too inferior to warrant the honor of being served tea by His Royal Dickness.

Yui, the fucking idiot, stays to make conversation. Polite conversation.

Kill me now.

It goes about as well as expected, we get a random flashback which is probably meant to hint at why Glasses hates Lazy Bastard Shu but really, I don’t care.  Spell it out; I don’t deem this show worthy of using higher brain functions for.

Glasses graciously and very abruptly decides to share his tea with Yui. Except that drinking the damn thing paralyses her and he has to force an antidote down her throat. The only purpose of this scene is to provide some convenient cup shards for Yui to cut her hand on, which then prompts Glasses to have his turn creeping on her.

You can, at this point, expect how this goes.


Yes, he’s creepy, offensive, sadistic, condescending and yes, there’s another flashback. This one’s of a woman dying, smiling and happy that Reiji is the one who killed her. Guess who she is? Yep, his mother. And our poor boy is so upset that she’s dying happy. I assume he wanted her in pain or some shit. Naturally, he takes it out on Yui because he’s depraved and crazy like that.

The end. Hallelujah.



I’ve already said all that needs to be said. I’d apologize for the language but this story deserves it.

Oh and we do get the mysterious guy from last episode watching Yui and saying something about an awakening but always, this show has its priorities and plot progression is not one of them.

About D

Just another avid anime fan.
This entry was posted in Anime, Diabolik Lovers and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Diabolik Lovers Episode 05 – Mommy Issues, Voyeuristic Teddy Bears and Much More

  1. Keiko says:

    Like always this was a pleasure to read! 😂 I’m really enjoying these reviews simply because of the sarcastic hate, it makes my day 😂
    Thank you for such awesome reviews of a horrendous show!! 😂😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • D says:

      One day in the future, when I’m wondering why I decided it was a good idea to spend my time on this show, I’ll remember comments like this and feel fulfilled 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • Keiko says:

        Awh hahaha that’s a nice way to justify watching really stupid stuff 😊 I just blame it on me wanting to torture myself 😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Akaluv says:

    The anime is horrible. I honestly don’t know how else to describe it. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  3. KimmieKawaii says:

    Don’t apologize for your language. Your “sentence enhancers” really helps to convey how you feel about this series. It sounds like the most sado-masochistic series ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • D says:

      Why, thank you.

      Yeah that sounds right. We even have a bland heroine to facilitate easy projection for aspiring masochists.


  4. Karandi says:

    “this show has its priorities and plot progression is not one of them” – neither is character development (or realism), decent dialogue, or anything that would make it remotely watchable. I am really starting to be impressed that you are sticking this out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • D says:

      Would it kill for them to have at least dialogue that’s not completely cringeworthy? With each episode, I’m more and more shocked that this actually got made, and with a second season too.

      We’ll see how long I’ll last…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Remy Fool says:

    As much as the brothers are assholes, I am starting to question Yui’s decision making skills.

    I found out that this was really popular in Japan. What. Such a repressed country. Meanwhile most people in the Western world received this poorly outside of a few small fanbases aka people who love abusive male beasts and moronic female protagonists.

    Liked by 1 person

    • D says:

      She does exhibit an appalling lack of sense 90% of the time.

      Wow, that’s…sad. I mean, I get that some may be into sadistic power play but even if you’re going for kink, this show’s just cringeworthy rather than titillating. But clearly, some disagree.

      Liked by 1 person

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