Fuck, Marry, Kill – May 2017

May’s almost over and that means it’s time for one of these.

In case you missed the previous FMK posts, know that this is a series where I basically pick my top 6 characters from each anime series I watch in a month, put their names through a randomizer to get sets of names and then pick from each set those that I’d sleep with, get hitched to or chop up had they been, y’know, real.

Well, that’s not quite right. Only the screwing would happen had they been real. I doubt marriage is for me and murder sounds like a one-way ticket to prison.

Now onwards to the fun bits. I’ve spared you my photoshopping and linked full-size images instead. Enjoy.

Series

Deadman Wonderland, Log Horizon, Blood Lad, Diabolik Lovers, Free

Characters

Deadman Wonderland: Senji, Shiro, Nagi, Karako, Genkaku, Toto

Log Horizon: Shiroe, Crusty, Lenessia, Henrietta, Nyanta, Nureha

Blood Lad: Braz, Bell, Liz, Wolf, Staz, Heads

Free: Makoto, Haruka, Rin, Gou, Rei, Seijuro

Diabolik Lovers: Raito, Ayato, Kanato, Reiji, Yui, Richter (most hated six, not most loved like the above cases

Set 01: Nureha, Raito, Hydra Heads

Marry Heads since he’s canonically established as a caring and devoted partner. Plus his attitude is nice, easy-going and altogether charming so why the hell not? Fuck Nureha for obvious reasons. I mean, the reason she’s on this list is because I have a weakness for literally foxy ladies and Nureha’s manipulative air actually makes her seem sexier. Kill Raito with great enthusiasm. Dismemberment would suit him greatly.

Set 02: Crusty, Kanato, Bell

Marry Bell. She’s one of my favorites from Blood Lad for a reason. She’s sly and prone to scheming but not maliciously so and she can be altogether adorable at times. Fuck Crusty since he’s pretty hot and would be a halfway decent company as well. Kill Kanato, the teddy-bear hugging, deranged little shit. Smother him with that teddy bear, seriously.

Set 03: Shiroe, Makoto, Senji

Marry Makoto. He’s clearly a very nice and compassionate guy, often being kind to a fault. That sounds like good partner material to me. Fuck Senji because yoo, look at those muscles. I can be shallow about this, alright? Really though, I do like Senji but I wouldn’t want to get hitched to him so Marry is not an option. That leaves Shiroe to Kill. He’s a cool enough guy but doesn’t really measure up to the other two.

Set 04: Rin, Liz, Rei

This one’s hard. I wouldn’t pick any three of these to Marry but if I must, I’ll go with Rin. He’s gruff on the outside but seems to have a pretty squishy interior. Fuck Rei because why not? He’s cute enough and sweet enough. Kill Liz even though I adore her because she’s a kid and thus neither of the above options is applicable to her.

Set 05: Nyanta, Haruka, Ayato

Again, none of these are good options for Marry but let’s go with Haruka. It’ll be the kind of awkward marriage that would quietly dissolve in a handful of years. And I want nothing more than to pick Ayato to kill because that would be a social service but Nyanta is an anthropomorphic cat and I am so not into that. So Fuck Ayato, the good-looking utter asshole and Kill poor Nyanta.

Set 06: Reiji, Nagi, Henrietta

Marry Henrietta because, going crazy over cuteness aside, she’s a pretty impressive person with a strangely charming countenance. Plus she’s smart as hell and that’s pretty great. Fuck Nagi. I’d have picked him to Marry if it weren’t for how he’s a time bomb ticking and even in fictional scenarios, I like my limbs as they are – whole and attached to me. Kill Reiji. Drown him in acid.

Set 07: Seijuro, Staz, Karako

This is an easy one. Marry Karako since she is crazy hot and crazy cool, and how can I resist that? But seriously, Karako makes one hell of an impression despite showing up late in the show. She’s amazing. Fuck Seijuro. He’s cute and sexy and that sounds like enough of a reason to me. Kill Staz – I like him as a character but I wouldn’t be able to stand the guy otherwise.

Set 08: Toto, Lenessia, Braz

Marry Lenessia. I’m pretty sure we’d along great since we’re both lazy as fuck but also prone to impulsive and troublesome decisions. Also, she is adorable. Look at her! Fuck Braz, I guess. He is attractive despite the dark circles and razor teeth…wait a minute. Anyway, he’s a safer bet that Toto ‘Lick The Blood From Your Wound After Maybe Causing That Wound’ Sakigami. So yeah, Kill Toto.

Set 09: Genkaku, Shiro, Gou

Another easy one. Marry Gou who’s cute and an absolute sweetheart. She’s shown to be caring, kind and also very driven about things that are important to her. What’s not to like? The other two are both buckets of overflowing crazy but I might be less likely to get my head blown off with Shiro so Fuck Shiro it is. And Kill Genkaku which I have no regrets about.

Set 10: Richter, Yui, Wolf

Two Diabolik characters in one set, huh? I’ll have to make do. Marry Wolf, not just because he’s the only option but also since he’s a nice enough and also maybe companionable enough. Fuck Yui. She is cute though I do doubt her ability to consent since all we see in the show is her utter lack of anything resembling agency. And finally, Kill Richter. Maybe set him on fire like in the series proper.

 

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